


Better If I Stay

by BoPeepWithNoSheep



Series: Magnulia Fics [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Adventure Zone: Balance (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Magnus and his death wish, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, grief hallucinations, widower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 23:23:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16586273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoPeepWithNoSheep/pseuds/BoPeepWithNoSheep
Summary: Sometimes he still hears her voice.





	Better If I Stay

Sometimes he still hears her voice. 

Magnus knows he isn’t crazy, not really any more than he’s ever been, her voice is just as much a part of his life without her as it had been when she was there with him. He sees her in crowds sometimes, never her face but the wave of her hair or the flow of her apron. A split second, just enough to remember that she’s gone.

Just enough to always look anyway.

The thing is, he always expects it to happen less but it never really does. Maybe he gets a little better at not letting it distract him but it always drifts into his life. Even in the suite on the moon base he wakes up and hears her soft humming waft through the room, the way she always did when he had nightmares. When they’re off investigating some lead or another he still sees scraps of red fabric or dark green hair and his heart nearly stops. 

If Merle and Taako notice they never say but he thinks Taako gets the same way, his eyes stray and unfocus sometimes. He’s not so obvious about it as Magnus feels about it, like anyone with half a brain could just wait for him to trip up. One whispered name or a head turned too quickly will scream _widower_ for the whole world to see. 

Which isn’t to say he keeps Julia a secret, but he doesn’t want her defined by his grief. That’s not fair to her, she was amazing and too beautiful for words not just because she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known but she was also the kindest and strongest and so many other things he doesn’t have words to describe. 

But now, people can’t know that, they can’t meet her, and the idea of her story beginning and ending with _‘Magnus Burnsides’ Dead Wife’_ makes him want to weep and rage because she’s better than that. She _deserved_ better than that. 

He can’t give her better than that, he can’t give her much of anything anymore. 

His love? He gives that to her every day of his life, every single moment he’s devoted. Every time he wakes up, even if it means another day without her he pushes himself out of bed because she always hated to see him wallow. He smiles and laughs as loud as his lungs are able because the sound always made her laugh. He lives and he fights and he looks for someplace to die, not because he wants to be dead but because he wants to be with _her_ \--But she would hate if he just gave up, if he died of a broken heart, but Magnus thinks Julia _might_ forgive him if he dies for something worth fighting for. 

He just has to find it.

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes you project really hard on a character and things like this happen
> 
> the title is from mcr's helena


End file.
